I only seem to function in overload

Jul 20, 2026

After two years at my current job, I have come to quite an abrupt realisation.

This is ironic in a way. Just a few months ago I literally had to take time off because work was becoming too much and I was no longer able to take care of myself. Dark times.

After a meeting with my managers, I realised that the reason I had felt overwhelmed was because things had happened that made it seem like I would have some more free time at work, and my logical response to that had been to fill that time with extra tasks that I chose to do. Except unplanned things happened which basically reduced the amount of time I thought I had. The result being I now had double the workload with exactly the same amount of time as before. And because I am very conscientious, I have a very hard time not doing something if I previously agreed I would do it, even if I the task is something I decided for myself. It’s like a mental contract with myself and all the people I told I’d do it. I can’t break it, I have to pull through no matter the cost.

Since then I have tried laying back with it, and there came a few consecutive days when the work I had to do was more than manageable in the amount of time I was given. And it just felt wrong? I was restless and felt like I should be doing something even if there was nothing left for me to do. For some reason I just couldn’t enjoy that downtime during my break, I needed to do something — except that I knew that whatever extra work I could start would be too long to be finished in an amount of time that would not impact my private life.

Now I don’t know if it’s because I was trained in a place where there was always at least 5 things on your to do list and constant complications with meeting deadlines, so I just learned to work that way and it disturbs me when it’s different, or if I simply just am like that. I feel like blaming the place I work at for training me this way would be pushing it, because when I think about it, I always had kind of an overdo type of personality.

Not for everything though.

But like.

8 days before my father’s birthday I decided making him a Batman parody comic book was the best course of action for his present. And I bloody did it. In 8 days. 22 pages. All while preparing a trip to Paris with a group of friends.

For my best friend’s birthday, I thought, why not an animatic of 2 minutes? I did it.

Back when I was writing fan fiction,I decided at like chapter 12 that I would illustrate it. And instead of starting my illustration at chapter 13 like a normal person, I went back and illustrated every single chapter. Each had like 2-3 illustrations. And I kept going all throughout book 1, 2, 3 and 4. Also, I — for some insane reason — decided to end each book with an animation. And. I. Did.

I could have just stayed in France and finished my studies there. No let’s apply for an assistantship for 8 months in London. Oh actually I like it there, let me just go to that French uni that gives a degree valid in both countries before moving there because I already got a positive answer for it - NOPE instead I frantically searched for a school that would train me and pay me and accept a visa, so that I could move as soon as possible, all while sorting out all the Visa stuff and figure out how to make my dog cross the border—when I had never done any administrative stuff before. And again, I did just that.

I finished my first book, let’s just publish it on Amazon with their ISBN. HAHA. That would be underestimating me. How about I create a whole imprint label, deposit it, buy ISBNs, and create a website. Oh and while I’m at it let’s illustrate the book and create 3 different covers for all the different editions. And! Set up a whole promotion plan with different posts each day for two months. All on my own.

Okay, after seeing the amount of examples I could come up with and didn’t necessarily write down. The problem is me.

It seems I work better if I have an insane amount of work/hobby related things to do. And yet, basic stuff like cooking or doing the laundry feel impossible. Haha, neurodivergence goes brrrrrrrrrrrr.

I think I need to learn to lay back for a bit. But it’s complicated because at the same time, whenever I lay back I feel this guilt for not doing something productive. We live in times when everything has to be for a reason, everything has to be productive.

Oh you just created this thing? Okay but what are you going to do with it?

And if you don’t have an answer, you’ll have people making you think you wasted your time. What happened to « I just wanted to. » ? Why is that no longer an acceptable response for creating things OR doing absolutely nothing and watching TV shows all day? Why must we justify everything by tying it to our productivity?

That system is not sustainable for a very simple reason, not everyone perceives productivity in the same way. Heck, I would even say most people don’t understand what being productive means.

You spent one day doing nothing but chilling on your bed and watching films? First thought is « you did nothing, you wasted your time » But let me raise this. If you had not relaxed and rested, would you have performed your tasks as efficiently as you did the next day? Would you be at your productivity epitome if you never took the time to rest? Probably not.

Also not to mention there can always be a benefit to consuming storytelling (creative, psychological, etc).

So I think that’s what we all need, redefine what productive means, and throw the shame out of the window to let it do a backflip before splatting on the pavement, and out of our lives.

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